When your prized possessions start to wear you down // Look in my direction, I'll be 'round, I'll be 'round

I' m going through this phase of building more confidence in myself these last few weeks or so, not just where relationships are concerned, but a little more of the "working on the outside by working within" flavor. I have always been stressed about the stuff guys are supposed to do to get it started; how to approach a girl, how to stay calm when first talking to her, nice ways to make a good first impression (all the work us guys have to do because we care for you), Isaacs has been an invaluable resource of male advice in this dept. Even still I've been down a few shall we say 'different' short roads in trying new things and incorporating advice (like Tigers game girl, yahoo euchre conversations) and now tonight.

Normal day to start. Helped my brother put his bags for his airride on his truck on the e-bay after ordering the wrong ones (right here actually, come on help us out, don't tell me you couldn't use a new hydraulics system on your mobile ha) and sold a few books back to the college for 30 cents on the dollar (what a racket!). So I have my final final at the Highland Lakes OCC campus, this is usually the part of the semester where my lack of effort in the home stretch pays off in delivering a '_1.2% ' to an ' _9.8% '. I had a 91% going in, I almost felt it coming; the wave of unconfidence (a word?) having me stumble short. But it was different this time, like I found focus somehow, and rode out the final exam to cling delicately to a final grade 90.2%. Nice.

So feeling happy that I was able to conquer... myself I guess, I glanced over a few computers to a girl I had started noticing only a few classes ago, and I decided to try myself out again. Like 'Tiger game girl', I didn't really feel a relationship spark with her at all, but two things:

1. I was wearing (in my own opinion) my A+ outfit, it's the long sleeve blood red shirt with grey pants AND the wind frazzled up my hair into just the style I like but can never make happen on purpose, along with my rare 3 days after shaving look (I took a picture of this with the 'X-mas disposable' {the camera I got for Christmas that I take a picture of myself with whenever I somehow have a 'handsome day'}, the rare day indeed and

2. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully this one lasts.

I just thought she was pretty. She had her own style and she seemed very nice. So after the final, I gathered my things and as I was doing that I saw her get up and go to the front of the room for a second. So spur of the moment, I pulled out a notecard and wrote 'I think you are pretty' and set it upside down in front of her com. So I crept back to my seat (she saw me do this) and pretended to play around with the computer, waiting for her to turn the card over. Only she didn't! There it sat upside down in front of her for seconds and then minutes! Then suddenly she did. She smiled without looking over, and it made me smile. But then I didn't know what to do, like I didn't know if I should ride off into the sunset, or hang back and say something, so I waited there like a weirdo, watched the kid in the O.R. scrubs ("O...R they?" haha) get her phone number, I laughed, packed up my stuff and strolled into the night. On my way back she drove past me as I was walking and had almost a frown. I hoped she didn't think I was supposed to do something else? Was I? I mean I just thought she looked nice, but I think that maybe I creeped her out, that I probably should have made for the door or said a few words after she saw me lay down my cards. I hope she is ok. I don't know, this is learning I guess. I'm just a man.

Wow I can't take it, I'm turning in my chair and watching Aladdin. It's so good! AHHh

Talking how the group had begun to splinter // and I could taste your lipstick on the filter

...alright so I don't smoke, I imagine my alter-ego (or at least 2-3 of em) would. Have you seen 'Ed Wood' ?! I thought it was really really funny. I knew before I watched it that Johnny Depp was in it, but then I saw that also Bill Murray was too and ALSO that Tim Burton directed it and it was down like Chinatown. It's just so great the Tim Burton movies, like how he has that own fairy tale world surrounded by reality almost, like 'Big Fish' and 'Ed Scissorhands' and this one was also. It's so funny too because it's all truth! Seriously, go to imdb.com and look up Ed Wood and it's all there black + white! A legend of cheese 50's sci-fi camp, we salute thee Ed D. Wood, Jr.

Saturday night was Higgins' girlfriend Misty's 21st. It was pretty funny, and not just because we got somehow 3" of snow all that day after it has been 75 degrees all week (adds the somehow absent until now "snowball fights" to the 'I'm Interested in things like:' column, bonus if it goes down with a sig. other) . We went out to Overtyme (bar) and rang it in; we ran into Marty and he was piss drunk. When they played 'The Hustle', I took his call for a partner, and him, with cigarette in one hand, mixed drink in the other and his arm over my shoulder, helped me stumble through the choreographed dance. They DJ stopped it and started it again because we were so bad, we laughed. Isaacs also saw "Hawt neighbor" but we lost her in the crowd somehow despite our pretending to be casual and looking over each other's shoulders for his fair maiden. We are sly.

At work today I was really thinking about what exactly influences insurances' decisions to only allow 4-8 viagra tablets to be filled per 30 days. It's so bizarre to me, like I can totally see these meetings going on way up in a skyscraper someplace: "Alright, our members will only be allowed 4 viagra tablets as a 30 day supply per month..." with all the pie charts and graphs to and fro. It seems really one-sided to me. I mean what is the female opinion? Especially since birth controls are usually not covered. Very sad news at work though today. Nicole D hung up the spurs. It's so crazy, I mean we both started working together in the Pharmacy just after our Senior years, 4 + years now side by side. And with our older predecessors Jennifer James and Ms. Rachel, we were like the Jedi counsel of Walgreeners Rx or something, 5 years of highs and lows; a family. She's going into nurse work/EMT now and she'll be soon moving in with her beau, it was time for her to float on... I just can't think of the right words to eulogize the good times in this format. I can't.

The sign that I couldn't read // or the light that I couldn't see // some things you have to believe

I really like this song. I went to Clintonville Market and did my free iTunes cap trick and got it Tue. morning, and after the first couple listens I thought it sounded too much like 'Clocks' at the beginning. Then I thought it sounded like a new U2 song. Then I thought it sounded like Jessica/her plays and the wonderful days and it fit right in place. I just got an e-mail from her in Colorado too. And she is moving to Hawaii! She made it! She also tells me "I recommend that you not look so hard for "her" as it is creepy." (sigh) I hope she comes home for X-mas as she is my hero.

Speaking of travel, click this action: http://www.fieldmuseum.org/dinosaurdynasty/ So I've made no bones (get your pun on) about the fact that I am completely in love with the dinos. It's more than just a childhood thing really, they have shaped who I am in a lot of ways, for better or worse. But that's The Dinosaur Dynasty from China on display at the Field Museum in Chicago. And I'm going this summer. The more it has crossed my mind, the more it feels like less a trip and more a pilgrimage. I think it's like The Cardigans or Amélie or The DIA, the few things that probably make no sense to anyone put together except me, but to me (as I'm sure everyone has their separate collection of "different" pieces to their puzzle also) are time/priceless to me and are basically crypted into my DNA/heart/soul. I'm happy as a clam thinking about it.

Tuesday night Isaacs and I chilled with Brubaker, her brother ("Coyote Dog Russ (CD-R)" dubbed by Higgins, Ross by everyone else) and others for euchre/etc. in their basement. Two things I've now learned: 1.) I play euchre like the wind blows and b.) After winning with Isaacs in stellar fashion and then losing something like 6 games in a row on the Yahoo! euchre circuit (my "warm bath" after long work hours is a nice 2-3 games of the euch on the i-net I confess) I've learned that I need an all-time partner. I've been trying to think of the necessary credentials I'd want to see on the app. (ha), I was thinking at first since I'm ü ber aggressive that a conservative partner might balance the ship, but that's all I seem to get on the Yahoo! and suddenly I'm calling on Ace, King trump and an off Ace.... double-plus ungood. So then I thought of an aggressive/passive-aggressive p, crazy and has the papers to prove it. But I finally it occurs to me that the perfect partner in the game has to have one undeniable and unteachable trait, beyond style and protocol: magic. Now hiring basically.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that men date women younger than them because they believe in magic, and that women date men older than them because they don't want to.

Sunday morning // Brings the dawn in

Oh the thinks I've thought today. Work on Sunday is usually the worst thing ever, it's like a test of stamina due to the fact that it's almost the only day in the week where I have to get up when normal people usually do, but also because the first half of the day is just a massacre and the second half is just watching paint drying/ everybody wash their autos on the usually gorgeous day. Today was not much of an exception. You know how yawning is contagious? "Michelle, My Belle" and I would literally yawn back and forth throughout the day, like domino effect. Also you know how you usually, pretty much without thinking, allow yourself enough oxygen to say something and take the breath after it's out? Today somehow I'd lost command of that, which is especially remarkable for me because I'm used to just talking and talking with no end in sight and very fast to cover my fears that none of what I'm about to finish saying makes sense. So I'd run out of breath mid-sentence somehow and stand there huffing/puffing like a moron, it was silly. Today was a fun day however.

Michelle gets packets of drug info in her mailbox and she usually tosses them out as she knows them front to back basically, but I started reading one, about the somewhat controversial Plan B Emergency Contraceptive. It was really interesting to me, like I learned so much about "indoor plumbing" that I'd somehow never known. For example I didn't know that from the point of insertion it takes almost exactly 72 hours for sperm to find the egg, I'd always figured that it was within a handful o hours, I mean you eat food and it goes from top to out again in like 2 days so why, with all the "stuff" being all down there, would it take 72 hours? Then I saw how The Plan B works, which was cool. Like I thought it for sure had to do something to mess up a fertilized egg to stop pregnancy, hence the controversy. But then we got out the diagram:


There we go. Before I think I had the general idea, you know, I'd name drop 'fallopian tube' and the sperm hooks up with the egg and there we go, but there were way more details. Like so the egg comes out of left or right ovary, down the tube and hooks up with the sperm in 72 hrs. Like this:

And the fertilized egg sticks to the uterin lining and 9 months later (egg-timer bell chime). But then what the Plan B is is basically a mega-dose of hormone (like taking a whole pack of birth control, or "the pill" or "b.c." whichever street slang tickles you) and what it does is is it reroutes the sperm before it makes it to the egg and also stops ovulation (egg baking) for something like a 91% chance of not "having a bun in the oven" or "knocked up" or...ha that's almost the most fun, the euphemism games you can play. So basically it is like sending the police in there to throw the egg in the clink and to send the sperm off into exile. It's almost sad. Coupled with my prior, self-professed mastery of contraceptives ("condoms in typical use are only 92% effective" still freaks me out) apparently I'm Walgreeners OB/GYN super-male. No such thing as a dumb question now. Ha.

Teddy, don't worry now, Mommy is here // Taking good care of you

Hey how are you today? I think I'm having one of those "I'm 22 but feel 72" days, my whole body hurts for no apparent reason. I mean I sleep like 23 hours a day, I think it is because I've slept on my stomach with my head facing to the right without my head on the pillow for I think 1,307 straight days. I hear the best way is the sleeping on the back trick, I just can't seem to get the same focus/unfocus thinking and secure feeling trying it though. Security is important.

Tom Rowland had his 21st birthday Sat. night, it was nice. I picked him and Isaacs up at their homes at their requests (my reputation as "Waterford's Designated Driving Superhero" carries far and wide I guess) and we went to the bar called Overtyme, where Nick Higgins, Dan Land and Gjon Gejay came. I became more convinced than ever that every single friend I have is a complete genius in some form or another, literally. Go to http://www.unitcirclefilms.com for real (or 'reel' if you'd prefer a pun). I felt very very small, but also happy at the end because it was Nick, Isaacs and myself (3/4 of the world famous 'Dork Squad', Est. 8th grade, Note: Higgins, S made an appearance briefly, he's in the club too you see) sitting together and Nick looked down the line and just said "Friends forever...no matter what, ok!?" It was special.

I saw 'Closer' last night, I really liked it. Each character I thought of the 4 it seemed like I 50% related to/enjoyed and 50% disliked and was angry at. Like Julia Roberts and how she would totally self-destruct at the almost thought of a stable relationship and would almost make herself depressed on purpose because she didn't think she deserved happiness. I am just so tired there is so much more I would love to say about this film but I'm just not up to it (sigh) This was the song I would play when I did the dishes at the old apartment, with a smile that makes me smile right now thinking of it. Don't be a stranger.

You can make a plan // Carve it into stone // Like a feather falling // It is still unknown

I have poor sleeping habits. That is an understatement, I'm not sure how much of one I'm very bad at collecting a opinion of myself that is not drenched in depreciation. I try to think of it and I can remember that around 9th grade I slept in my first class, the bedtime was around 11:00. Then by 11th grade, or also it's alternate title 'Senioritis: year 3', it went to 1:00 A.M, listening to records all night and catching up with the dreams in English class (the famous 80 min nap still makes me smile) And it seems like each year it has literally gone back 1 hour. I'm only now trying to combat this, it's part of this 'Justin self-improvement program' I'm instituting on myself. I lift weights and do sit-ups every night (+5 points), TRY and eat right (I've discovered Ice Tea, which to probably everyone sounds like "I just discovered this cool new food, it's called bread", -1 point for total sugar though), bought a shirt, shorts and pants (-1 for narcissism but +1 back for genuinely feeling bad about a shopping spree that totaled $70). Might be tough keeping the sleep thing in line with my sexy 75% on test III in Intro to Biz. thus I don't have to go anymore due to that rounding with the previous 2 tests into a B.

After finding out my grade that day, I bid Bidness a (semi-) fond farewell, and after Solitair....I mean Computer Science class I got to go bowling with my cousin Doshi! It was all that and a bag of chips. I told her about 'Shannon' and she said she wished to fight her. She talked about how her internship at the Rose Hill Mental Illness Center was going, which somehow (HA) led to her always original and delightful opinion/stories of my Ma. Also we bowled the single greatest game in our history, I was winning when she got a spare in the 10th frame and when she got 7 we didn't know who won because of the funny animations they throw up there for like 19 minutes, then it showed that I won 136-135. It was dazzling, we printed one for each of us, she beat me more than I beat her overall but that will forever be my bragging right, sort of like the Yankees can always say they've won like 900 more titles than Boston, but Boston has the 0-3 series comeback trump card.

Alright, all hyperbole aside and at the risk of coming off as self-righteous (hey stop laughing...c'mon I'm more opinionated than self-righteous!), putting on make-up while you are driving is a scary thing. Tom, our good lady friend Meghan and me went down to the ballpark and speeding down Woodward/adding eyeliner was frightening. I talked to a girl that started working there that day, she was nice. It was cool to just talk to a lady without all the psycho-pressure and analyzation I run myself through when I see the same person over and over over time; it was just really calm and we talked and laughed. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. I like to think of it as two souls crossing paths at exactly that right moment, not yesterday or 5 years later, and giving each other a small small something, like a cup of hot cocoa, and then continuing on their separate journeys into the unknown. I don't think Isaacs offering her $200 for her free All-Star Game tickets helped it though. Haha.

I'll be your Tarz, and you'll be my Jane // I'll keep you warm and you keep me sane // We'll sit in the trees and eat bananas all day

Alright so somehow you don't think I'm crazy after everything so far huh? Ok take out a crisp $10 bill from your wallet or purse (purses.....blahh I mean why....nevermind not the time for pet peeves) and sit it in front of your monitor and after this yarn if you still believe I don't need one of those hawt white jackets with the sleeves that go around the back then I'll send you a 10 to match it.

You know how something catches your eye in a way and sticks to the edge of your mind, not quite déjà vu but sort of, something that perhaps should have no relevance or connection to anything in reality, but somehow your head holds on to it and like manifests itself into each day afterwards ('Coincidence' folder in 'I Heart Huckabees' (??) ). So one night I pull into my great friend's house and just completely randomly notice that her Mom's car license plate starts with 'AA'. So my friend and I have an unpredictable, adventurous night together and I take her back and I smile as I see this license as I'm backing out....(?..?..) So driving the next day I look at the only single license plate that I actually recollect (you know, like not on autopilot about it), a car ahead of me as I'm going to work, and it starts with 'AA'. Ha what a silly coincidence, huh? Buckle up (no pun intended).

The next day, I see 2 more 'AA's' out of like 5 license plates I remember checking, and the same one that started everything later that night when I visited my friend again and we went out for my b-day. This is still funny. Even after the next week of seeing at least 3 plates starting with 'AA' a day. And it's not like I'm checking every one either! Like literally I will notice one almost as if somebody whispered in my ear to look right then and sure enough! WTF!!? I tried to think existentially about it as best I could, but the only thing I could think of was that I'm supposed to have a fit about it soon and then I'll swerve and get into a wreck, so that made me scared and then I stopped thinking of it and then I'd see another one! So finally I go to the Secretary of State and take a number, then see that they have an e-mail address, so I sent them one:

Hello, how are you? I'm very well thanks. I have what I guarantee is an odd question regarding license plates. I live in Waterford (Oakland County) MI, and my question is in regards to how numbers are registered for motorists that do not request custom/personalized numbers. More to the point, I am wondering why, since I randomly noted the license plate number of a friend's car that started with 'AA' as to why since then I swear of the probably 3-4 license plate numbers I consciously remember a day, 1-2 of them have begun with the characters 'AA'. Is this random, or a Southeastern Michigan thing, or something different? Any insight you might be able to give would be unbelievably helpful. Thank you, take care.

~Justin Bentley (LKF 47)

and tonight I get:

Dear Mr. Bentley,

Thank you for using the Department of State's web site.

Except for personalized plates, plate numbers in Michigan are completely random. A plate series (or part of a series) will be assigned to a branch office in no particular order. When they use up that series, they are assigned the next available series. You may see several similar plates in a given geographic area because a branch office might sell several hundred plate is the same letter configuration. If you have further questions, feel free to contact us at (517) 322-1460.

Sincerely,John Osborn, Analyst
Department of State Information Center

I don't know...I don't have the feeling of closure that I maybe should. 2 weeks after the fact, just the other day going to the DIA, I bet I randomly checked maybe 10 and got 6 plates starting with 'AA'. I mean has this always been? Is it new? Is it part of a larger conspiracy? I don't know. Either way you owe me $10.

In the midnight moonlight I'll, be walking the long and lonely mile // and every time I do, I keep seein' this picture of you

Alright here's the facts Jack: the place that lets me dock these sounds you hear, to all those who are welcome and to those that actuall do come here to peer onto the surface of the world through my specs, allows me 100 Megabytes of total bandwidth a day. So by maths that even I can perform, an average song of 3 MB multiplied by about 1 or so people I estimated that drop in here every 1-3 days this is no problem right? So banking this lovely song into the HQ tonight I see that somehow my bandwidth has been maxed like my credit card basically, so either somebody has a fever to which the only prescription is more Justin, or something is awry, I'll get on the case but I really hope you can have this song jingle through your speakers, I really think it's the bee's knees and as always, a part of the story.

Ever feel attacked by the places that you secretly keep/kept sacred with somebody in your heart after the flame has gone out? That was me the last few days; the "walk" after class, the table in the Subway, the bench in Birmingham in front of the 8 film theatre....and thinking of my fingerprint memories left on these places, I was a fool not to seek the strength/sanctuary of the single most pure and beautiful place on this earth to me, my church and shining star, my beloved Detroit Institute of Arts. You can just feel it as you climb the marble staircase and go through the doors, like an airlock sealing everything good inside as you breeze inside, so many ghosts of wonderful memories floating from room to room, so many things I've read and written and dreamed there. I would get married there if I could. It really does prove to me there is magic and beauty and that's just scratching the surface of the surface.

But I went Friday night, my notebook, 'Dinotopia', 'The DaVinci Code' and DIA folder all under arm like the good old days, and hey there is a sign for a special exhibit for the Dutch artist (can go wrong already, see my all time fav. artist Hieronymus Bosch who is Dutch) Gerard ter Borch from the 17th century. It was just glorious! I feel very very strongly about art, I know less that I make out I'm sure (as with everything else usually) in regards to the background and facts and symbols of paintings, but this artist is just wonderful because (thanks partially to the handheld "artphone" you get to tote around for your pleasure and educated guesses by historians placed to the side of some paintings in regards to symbolism and his life) I could totally place stories around each person within each perfectly painted scene, like there was this painting that was made to commerate a peace treaty and the way he paints each person with such graceful care you totally feel like you are in the room with like 30 separate and unique people. Or there was one where this man is stirring a lemon in a glass that a woman is holding and they both have the young love just screaming from their eyes and even the woman standing behind them can feel the same mood as you do. Or there was this painting of this woman whose reflection from this mirror is her thinking the deepest darkest secret about a guy ever thought. I must have stared at her dress for 5 minutes, not like a perv, but just because it was so amazingly painted, I could scan you a copy here but it would almost be like showing somebody a a postcard of the Eiffel tower after just seeing the real thing. It was like a cloud milkshake.

To see all these just wonderful paintings was so inspiring. Like from simple things you can create these dreams and moments and vision in your head and heart and they can affect people so long afterwards. I started writing again! And in my favourite room in the whole museum too, the now almost forgotten dining hall with the huge skylight and white lights in the trees all around. All sorts of fun thoughts were just going through me, like hey did you ever in elementary school have a parachute? And you would all stand in a big circle in the gym and raise it way up into the air and then all rush to the inside edge and hold it down over you all, the whole class hiding safely under this air inflated parachute. I haven't been as happy as that Friday night in a long time.