There's something to remember, and something to forget // As long as we remember, there's something to regret // Something we should know

Sometimes I feel like I could've done something different and it would've been right. That there was some change I could have made or some word I could've said or not said that would've altered history.

I'm a bit cursed to have a remarkable memory of personal events. Cursed in that I randomly replay the one destructive moment in favor of all the positive ones, over and over again. And worse, it sprinkles over those positive ones, to the point that I microanalyze them until I find flaws. I think I have past the point where I can convince myself that I deserve any sort of true happiness. It gets to the point where I do things that I consciously know will likely sabotage a situation. Like there is always someone else more deserving because they are smarter or stronger or have more money or are better looking. You know when you are waiting for that person to call and you are sitting there or sleepwalking through something for minutes or hours on end until finally your phone rings and you dash to it only to see that it is someone from your work calling? I just feel like I give off that reaction; I'll never be that person to someone.

It's like that lyric to that song: "I'm not living, I'm just killing time". Like the only thing I absolutely want for myself I am cursed never to have. And then I feel selfish for wanting something for myself. And then I feel bad for feeling bad because so many have so few. I just feel really lost.

It's a wonderful life

Dear Santa,

How are you? I am grand thank you for asking. Many of my fondest childhood memories dance in your shadow, not just toys, but the feeling your spirit gave me. Sitting in the same spot at my Great Grandma's house the night before and then going home trying in vain desperation to close my eyes for 8 hours...7 hours...6..5..4...(sigh) sitting out the milk & cookies that would vanish by sunlight. Ha even that one time where I wrote out 'Santa can I have your autograph? and left that blank line for you...I couldn't help thinking how your signature reminded me of my Mother's.

Now we are all older and "wiser" and while the holiday stays on the 25th, it does seem a bit different. No tearing through boxes or nail- biting anticipation, but though different, a very special feeling flutters in my heart like a cocoon that suddenly and finally hatches in the last days of the year. Now I'm wrapping those gifts for the young and maybe if I am lucky, will see that tall glass of milk and plate sitting on a table of my very own. I am so thankful for everything I already have, the rest is just icing.

Thank you for being there to believe in, then and now,
Justin

I was going to write this to Santa. Though the address posted at the Post Office gave a Michigan zipcode for his North Pole abode, I never did get to fitting it into an envelope. Too busy writing out cards for others and gathering my gifts to be placed under the different trees throughout Waterford.

Which is just fine. Christmas, more than gifts or lights or stores or even Religion, is about giving: giving thanks, giving a shoulder to lean on, giving love.

I wish each and every one of you a very happy holidays, full of family, friends and the spirit of care.

I just have to hear those sweet words // Spoken like a melody

Hhahha 'Frosty the Snowman' is just marvelous. Throwing on the top hat and bellowing "Happy Birthday!", I've been saying that aloud in my car all week since. Summit Place Mall put up their castle of lights and I was so very happy even with the last half of them being unlit. They had gingerbread contests on the teevee and golly! They are the most intricate things ever, entire villages with townspeople, city clocks and Santa made entirely out of sweets.

The holidays seem to be sometimes as much about family and friends and celebrations as the are about tradition, at least to me anyway. Like the sign and Rudolph/frosty and snow angels and snow ball fights and rainbow candy canes and ornaments. And Santa at the mall. If I ever get lucky enough to have a little one I think I would like to take him or her to see Santa very much. And have him or her bring their little list up to him and to smile for the camera.

Invariably the Holidays always have me thinking deep into the past and off into the future. Going into Pier 1 and thinking of that life I don't lead and then shopping last night at Meijer and going down the picture frame aisle. Seeing the embraces at the Eiffel Tower and little children dressed like brides in those frames used to leave my soul reaching for a tissue. Now I was glad. I was happy for all the things I've been so lucky to have done and for all those people around me that have never let me quit and have inspired me to reach for the heavens and the stars. I left those frames, pushing my cart and listening to the wonders of the songs of Amélie as happy as a clam.

You're a strange aberration // In this land of potted plants

Buried. Mountains of snow have paved the streets, painted the houses and colored the trees. It is glorious! Just like Bright Eyes says: "Winter came to Omaha and left us looking like a Bride // A million perfect snowflakes now and no two are alike" Can't much improve upon that. Just see:

(click to enlarge)

As pleasing as it is to the eyes/heart, it doesn't do many favours as far as leaving your home goes. So really with finals being in the rear view mirror and no work (for a change) today has been the 'Spring cleaning/deep thinking day'. So far I've come up with:

~ I have added 'Street Name' to the select list of most important things for when I actually get my own slice of the Earth. Working at the Pharmacy you always see the person's address as a means to properly identify them, and there are just so many wonderful ones. Almond Lane. Mockingbird Lane. Moonlight Drive (hello The Doors). I think my favourite one to this point (and somewhat ironic given the current forecast) must be Snow Apple Drive. Lover-ly.

~ I think I have come to the complete realization about the utter importance true dedication is when you are the first car waiting for a green arrow in making a left turn at an intersection. Most any other car down the line is important, but that first car is the true leader. Whatever that car does once the green arrow appears will chain reaction down the line until the next cycle. You can't (CAN'T) be the first car and be on your cell or looking for a disc and delay when it becomes green! Wow that is unreal, and then you are the first or second car that doesn't make it because of that drop of the ball. You have to bring your A-game, I take it as a great responsibility to take that turn with speed and precision. Oh yea.

~ I am really really really getting into this thing called Singularity. Baun sent me a link on it and I thumbed through at first, but the more and more I go here and here, the more it seems I am of this thinking/belief. It just really fills some holes I knew/didn't know I had (btw not pushing things on to you guys, if in fact anyone is reading at all, this is just where I am going. I dislike when I get the impression that people are trying to convert you or someone into something when the believe in something different, but I do like to hear other perspectives while I might hold different feelings)

Well time to figure out how I can dig my auto out of the white stuff. Ciao.

You can talk about Cha Cha // Tango, Waltz, or de Rumba // Senora's dance has no title // You jump in the saddle, hold onto de bridle!

I heard a bloke on the teevee praising his theory that 'adventure' should be seen as a completely undesirable outcome. He claims that 'adventure' is the failure to adequately prepare for a circumstance & that it should be no goal to pursuit such an end.

If you say so.

I'd take an adventure all day and all of the night. Seriously are not life's most splendid moments the ones that take off from the plan? I'd not have so much wonder and delight if I'd always done the "common thing" or what others would have me do. If I'd stuck to the script, I perhaps would not have been so lucky to have such a lovely phone conversation with my best lady friend. I felt like dancing. What a joy it will be to see her face again!

Or taking my old red dancing/bowling shoes out of the box and meeting with a fair lady whom, only at the sight of her, did I realize it had been far too long. We threw rocks at the local alley and smiled as it all came back. I won her a stuffed animal from the claw machine "carnival date style" and she returned the favour me by racking more strikes and spares than could be believed. I let her win. Ha.

In the fog and in the rain, through the pleasures and the pain // On the step outside you stand, with your flowers in your hand, my Apple Scruffs

I think I am getting pulled into this electric razor thing. Not only is it a quicker solution to the gruff, but also it doesn't fleece dollar bills from the wallet like mach3's do ($12 for a 4 pack, eyes pop out of their sockets Roger Rabbit-style) But the thing is, it goes against tradition. The barbasol, the cold water (ever since the greatness that was the John Cassavetes scene in 'The Dirty Dozen'), the smile with a santa beard of white. At least if I did switch I could make a huge/imaginary fuss over 'Bentley goes electric!' complete with imaginary crowd hurling insults about how I've turned my back on everyone as I'm shaving.

I love it when it is the middle of the day, and you look into the sky and you can see the moon faintly hiding above. It is like a ghost.

I almost want class Wednesday morning to come, just so I can get another piping hot cup of hot cocoa and slowly sip it during lecture.

I go to shop at Meijer every Sunday night near the midnight hour now. It is almost like meditation to glide through the miles of aisles and getting peaches & cream oatmeal and cider and blueberry waffles. Listening to Christmas songs overhead and letting my body and mind wander is wonderful.

I have faith again. Deep breath, one more journey into the darkness. Slowly moving towards the light.

People talk like it's a given thing // I dunno what they mean -- nor, I suspect, do they

Love is hilarious. I think the basic catch-22 of my life is that, rather than career or school or religion, I find true purpose and motivation in the pursuit of Love; yet the rumor seems to be that to claim such a thing one must have all the other parts put together, the parts that I seem to ignore and stow away in the back of my mind. Like school...work...personal appearance...living quarters. Yet, unlike these things, I don't think that you try your hardest and win Love like you can achieve a diploma or get the job. Almost the opposite. A close (catch-2)2nd place might be my decreasing optimism and faith in those facets of life except for the waterfall of hope pouring on my ideals of woman/Love, which appears also to be drowning my brain as I've been told my feet hardly come close to being planted on Earth when it comes to the stuff.