But what can I do // What can I say

This is a funny world we live in. I had not seen my friend and heroine Jessica since the past April on the way into my cuz's wedding rehearsal dinner at Olive Garden (where she worked), so since then I'd tried to stick my head in there as often as my college kid budget would allow, only I had not seen her somehow. I would call maybe once a month and get voice mail, we (Isaacs and I) had a close call about seeing her for Halloween but nothing. So Thursday night/morning I found her e-mail address and sent her a shout out and sure enough she hit me back the next AM saying how she'd recently graduated and just gotten back from France, Belgium and Spain and she planned on moving out to Colorado soon. I was way excited, so I went to visit my Grandma later that day and on the way out I went to drop off 'I Heart Huckabees' (thanks again Charisse) and put it in the Family Video box and whom should I see in the window walking back to my car. No not my Grandma! Jessica! I went back in, we talked about how her trip had been, she said that she was going to Colorado because "It is not Michigan" and I talked about the Shannon and other things bouncing around the spaces of my head. Invaluable advise as always. I forgot how much I missed her. (sigh) I just came back from "The Club" with Isaacs for his friend's b-day party (takes off smoke poisoned longsleeve dress shirt...try and control yourself ladies. ha), get your uncomfortableness on. Get your High School reunion on also, which is great when you forget names like it's your job....blah! Watching everybody "Drop it like it's hawt" made me want to a.) open my own retro/IDM (Intelligent Dance Music, like 'Postal Service') club someplace and b.) play Kraftwerk 'The Model' at least twice. I'm still thinking about Jessica now though and was even then. Man she has been such a wonderful influence on my life (even as she says she's been probably more a negative than positive, classic), it makes me even more angry for the whole "Push everyone I can away from me, I'm contagious of failure/save yourselves" phase that was me in 2004. And I was thinking of that at the stop light on Clintonville and Walton at 3:00 AM last night when Nellie McKay's 'Really' came in, and how she can make a song about someone who is indifferent, mostly not caring and resigned and it feels like a hopeful, positively uplifting anthem. Part of how Jessica makes me feel in an opposite way, for her few self-professed flaws, she's a perfect person/friend/mentor/ to me and will always be no matter what adventures I have and what new places love & life take me to. Really.

They get so close I could touch them all // All the nights I wait up for you call

"Happy B-day, start smoking so we don't have to send you these anymore in 30 years time huh?!"

Only 11 shopping days left. You know I think that is some of the aftermath of letting those people swipe your license at the club during the infamous "Jurassic Party" (see 'some pics' link to your right for all the madcap details) I don't know if you read about this on the front page of the paper or caught it on the news, but a few days ago my belt buckle basically disintegrated and fell into the lou, leaving me, your favourite 30" waisted gentleman, basically down to my athletic pants for 3 days time until I moonwalked (well that's not quite the right verb, although {off topic as usual} I've been dancing in my room a lot lately, and that has almost been incorporated to not just a few songs, frenzied) to "The Sal." and picked one up for like 2 bucks, so now when you see me wearing any variation of my colored pants (Don't wear the blue jeans, I don't know.... just I don't like the whole "wet jeans" thing....) be sure to tell me how you talked to the guys from Franz Ferdinand and they want their belt back. I went on a record store safari the other night, I found one out in Ferndale (yahoo directions: 45 min so of course + the fact that I'm searching for it, make it an even hour). It was cool; they had cheap albums, I got to hear a new genre of music (Record Store soundtrack), and after the fact I went to my G-ma's and played Jeopardy with her on the sofa eating enchiladas and drinking A&W. She took me to the house, she's really good. I wonder if a semi-colon was appropriate up there a min ago?...maybe no, I think it's like how I start most entries with "So..." or how I'd be rich if I had a nickel for every "crazy" that turns up in here. I need a new adjective, like in place of "crazy", how about "balls out marvelous"? Wow I've become a satire of myself.

To be honest, I really can't relate to a lyric in this song...

...I think it's just me living vicariously through music, I don't know if that makes it ok, I guess as Doc would say "Apparently my hyprocracy knows no bounds", but it so sounds like a song you would hear at the end credits of Pulp Fiction or something it's perfect. Yes, this is the band I saw last year where I met that Jessica (II) lady and she gave me her phone # out of nowhere on the napkin and I called like the next day (forgetting my 'Swingers' logic) and saw her at another show and she found out I was about a decade younger than her. Still waiting for that promised call back. I broke the rules after all, the age old younger girl-older guy relationship rule. I'm not much good with the rules, but apparently "you're going to marry the first girl you date, you see" or so goes the rumor. You know I think in the spring or summer I'm gonna get a fling going, just try to meet somebody at a show or something and just a summer, carefree, no strings fun, romance. Things are too serious everywhere. In less stressful/metaphysical news, Isaacs drug me out of my pjs with the Baun and we saw Ong-Bak tonight...err last night. It was nuts. Like think Jackie Chan on steroids, this guy jumped over SUV's, kicked like 7 people in a single bound, basically fought Bangkok on his own (along with trusy, bumbling sidekick George). It's great, in Thai and they get the basic plot out there in the first 4 min. Alright I seriously have to empty the toilet paper from the garbage I've filled up in here, this is horrible.

I never talk to you // People Say that I should // I can pray everyday // For the moment to come

Once every 18 months I get sick. I don't know if it's a sex-linked genetic trait (I can tell you it'd be the first time I got a positive trait from the female half I'll tell ya that), luck, or sheer will but when I do it's ridiculous. So I started coming down with this sore/streap throat illness Sunday and despite throat spray, Dr. Pepper (the elixer for curing sore throat I decided) and Hall's strawberry cream throat drops (mmm....) it keeps coming. So I went hishin' in the closet and found Baun's Penicillin from K-Mart dated 5/9/99, so of course popping 2 of those gives me hives the size of Pittsburgh behind my ears for a few hours. So I haven't quite decided if I have a sensitivity to Penicillin or if Shannon has cursed me. She hasn't called back since that Wednesday night when she was at the airport and said "I'll call you when I get back." I'm going to call her tomorrow if my voice decides to show up to the party, I pray that we can keep things alive. Riddle me this: Isaacs' away message had a link about a man proposing to his lady at an NBA game on the court during halftime or something and it made me think, would you do that because you love b-ball like whoa, or because you thought there was a great chance that she would say no, so you want the leverage of all those people in the crowd pressuring her to say "Yes"? You know they always say "Yes" when it's like that, but why would you want to do that if you weren't sure that the person loved you back? Wouldn't you want a straight, unforced answer, I mean it's only marriage. I'm paranoid about thinking people are around me for some reason other than they like me, like they want something that I don't even know I have I don't know (aka I'll be dating 40 years before getting married because I won't understand what she sees in me/"I don't want to be part of a club that would have me as a member." ~Woody Allen). I was thinking about funny ways to "pop the question", like if I got my Brad Pitt 'Fight Club' on and spliced "____ will you marry me?" in the middle of the film for like 15 minutes, or if I faked my own death, and I had a friend bring her to the cemetery and you just see my hand come out of the plot holding the ring. That'd get a laugh. It made me think too about one of my "All Time Top 10 most uncomfortable moments in history": When Isaacs and I went to a Pistons game last year and at halftime they had 50 couples actually married by an ordained minister there. I think they were going for some world's record thing, but as each said their names the crowd there boo'd them one by one. I mean I expect my Mom to boo me when I get hitched and all, but still.

Now I know that you are nearer to heaven

Wonder why they recalled them? (First Beatles 'Yesterday & Today' album cover, and the quick retake)


If I had one of those mood things to the side over there (with all the stuff that's there I probably do without even knowing) I think it would say: "que sera sera". It's like...all this stuff is swirling around and I'm just gonna let it come to me for a change, relax. I have Melissa to thank. I got to visit my "Little slice of Heaven on Earth" aka Dixieland Flea Market Friday, and for 25 bucks got myself Emmylou Harris 'Pieces of the Sky' (she sings backup on the new Bright Eyes), the rock opera 'Quadrophenia' by The Who, a Supremes record, some Seger, Neil Diamond (feat. 'Sweet Caroline' !) The Stones 'Exile on Main St.' and The Beatles 'Yesterday & Today'. I was almost (ha) swindled on the last two by a guy, he was hitting me with "Oh yes, this is the O-RIGINAL album right when it came out" but of course it was not because the real deal is up there, babies' doll's heads, steaks and all. My latest scheme is with this iTunes 1-in-3 wins a free song contest with the Pepsi pops. Working at Walgreeners, I get there like 5 min early for my shift and go to work, of course going to work meaning I taking each Mountain Dew, tilting it slightly, delicately to an angle, and being able to catch the "free song" under the cap. Oh laugh all you want, I'll shant hear you over The Shins 'Chutes Too Narrow' after I get my legal download on.

I'm not here This isn't happening

......Ever had one of those moments when a huge argument is certain, a big enough argument that you feel like it may be strong enough to end everything, but defiantly will end everything if it doesn't happen? I called her once last night and once tonight to hopefully have a chance at talking together in person, only just a second ago did she call me back and settle for it on the stupid telephone. I am poor on the phone, I don't understand why, I try my best, maybe that's the problem. Well things came out, she said her "I'm very uncomfortable with this" 's, my problems with certain things came out, this sucks. She said at the end of our 8 minutes that she would call me when she gets back there, and even myself being of the "glass half full" faith it really seems almost 50-50 that this might be the last time we speak. Ever. I'm so fucking afraid of that. It's like it is going to happen, and really this may be one of the biggest things we may ever go through, and because there cannot be a compromise, it may end. I don't want to say anything to hurt her. I do not want to hurt her. I'm afraid because this is how they end. I am this cancer, like not only someone that isn't right for them, but is the opposite of what the person wants. It hurts beyond belief when all you want is to be a person that helps someone like no one else can and really believe that that person might think you are special in a good way, but instead causes the other person distress and grief. I've cried because of her (and others in the past too) and it seems so ridiculous that someone might ever feel even close to something like that about me. Someone that believes in me and thinks some of the things that are probably odd about me are "cute" and writes things about me and really trusts me. It's honestly hard for me to even make my fingers type that. Only the opposite, it's this hell where the people that inspire hope in me, I inspire fear and discomfort in them. And then I feel worse because I'm pitying myself and being selfish when there are those people who don't have enough to eat or don't have parents out there. I'm so lost with this, I wouldn't even know how to get help.

I swear I have talent for something that does not exist. I'm not sure if it's in the past or future. I bet I could play the rauschpfeife like a crazy man. Or the greatest moisture farm vaporator tech. of all time. Figures. I'm happy though.

Walking around at 4:00 AM at OCC is scary. I think it's haunted.

and I promise you // I will treat you well // my sweet angel // so help me Jesus

So I have this imaginary movie in my head. I can remember the exact day that I made the soundtrack to this untitled project, it was the day I got Grand Prix #2 (R.I.P.) I burned a cd of a batch of almost random songs and wrote "a film" upon it and popped the mug in and drove to Isaacs' house. It was the strangest brew of songs you'd ever hear, probably normal for me, but it started with a Beastie Boys song and ended with The Byrds, and plenty of madcap imagination in between. It comes up here and there, like today when I heard a song that I thought would be great at the end. Like what I see/hear is 3 main characters, two guys and a girl and also a guy in a bear costume that sort of follows with the different themes all over the place (ie he's the dj during the 'Super Disco Breakin' intro through the airport, bartender in the bar while 'Kiss Him Goodbye', I think I was obsessed with knowing how to say the bear in spanish, it's el oso btw ha) and it would start with the one guy who just flew into his old home town and he's sort of down so he hits the bar, he's got a (the) girl on his mind, but you don't find out much about her yet, he drains his glass and cruises the town and pulls into the gas station, where there is a huge choreographed dance sequence to 'Wild Wild West' waiting (not the Will Smith one, that pure early 90's version). He meets his friends ('Rascal King'), spends the whole day thinking/sitting on a park bench ('Danka Schoen' from Ferris Bueller sdtk), 'Scatman' 's his way through a trendy club still thinking about her, rides the cold and lonely subway home to The Kinks 'Lola', dreams of her to Beck 'Deadweight', takes his friend's car and flies down the road with 'Come and Get It' Badfinger to get her back, you get the (my) trailer (the main guy staring at the girl with the guy's arm around her walking past in slow motion, of course) music (Toadies 'Possum King', the last "I will treat you well..." until the end) as he sees her with the 3rd guy, he goes for her, the woman whom completes him and he completes her, wins her heart at the dance and they go 'Tambourine Man' into the sunset. I just thought of a great title for it, 'I'm Insane'.