There's something to remember, and something to forget // As long as we remember, there's something to regret // Something we should know

Sometimes I feel like I could've done something different and it would've been right. That there was some change I could have made or some word I could've said or not said that would've altered history.

I'm a bit cursed to have a remarkable memory of personal events. Cursed in that I randomly replay the one destructive moment in favor of all the positive ones, over and over again. And worse, it sprinkles over those positive ones, to the point that I microanalyze them until I find flaws. I think I have past the point where I can convince myself that I deserve any sort of true happiness. It gets to the point where I do things that I consciously know will likely sabotage a situation. Like there is always someone else more deserving because they are smarter or stronger or have more money or are better looking. You know when you are waiting for that person to call and you are sitting there or sleepwalking through something for minutes or hours on end until finally your phone rings and you dash to it only to see that it is someone from your work calling? I just feel like I give off that reaction; I'll never be that person to someone.

It's like that lyric to that song: "I'm not living, I'm just killing time". Like the only thing I absolutely want for myself I am cursed never to have. And then I feel selfish for wanting something for myself. And then I feel bad for feeling bad because so many have so few. I just feel really lost.