Just like an amnesiac // Trying to get my senses back

It seems as if I have finally found the cure for the quicksand loneliness that I've fought endlessly against. The first new job in almost a decade, trampling all that I thought I knew and twisting all skills I once had mastered.

So I've forgotten much of that pain, much like someone loses track of a sprained ankle after a piano falls on their head.

Or maybe not forgotten...just pulled away from. Standing in a museum staring at the same 4" of a painting all my life and suddenly taking one deep breath before stepping back.

I'm trying to figure out which way to turn now that we've moved on. It is scary and dark and confusing.

But the spell is broken and that is a good thing.

Trying to fight the call (when will it stop?) // why does the night when we always...

I can't hide in my dreams from you.
Or at the bottom of a beer bottle. Or behind my headphones.
Or in that empty hotel room with the ghosts of wishes and words that never happened frightening me.

We were walking across that bridge. The cars racing down the highway below us. You fearlessly opened your heart of a terror that haunts you. You were so fragile and strong. You were glowing. I knew if I didn't tell you how much I love you and how much I always have, our hearts might never meet at that timeless sparkle ever again.

And I didn't.

She says "It's alright"...

In 8 days I get onto an airplane and go to Portland. I booked this flight only a week ago on a heart's whim and a soul's prayer. This moment I will spend with her will be the whisk of the butterfly's wings that sends my entire life into a new direction forever regardless.

Cliff Note version: I'm terrified.

Even if I could hear what you said // I doubt my reply would be interesting for you to hear

I wish I had the patience of my Father.
I wish I had the courage and focus of my Brothers.
I wish I had the drive of my Sister.
I wish I had the faith of my Cousin.
I wish I had Tom's vision.
I wish I had Shaun's toughness.
I wish I had Aaron's sense of humor.
I wish I had James' wit.
I wish I had Melissa's heart.
I wish I had Kelly's passion.
I wish I had Charisse's imagination.

I am so blessed.
I wish I didn't feel myself eroding.

would you take me out tonight? // I'm not afraid of all the reasons why we shouldn't try

Sometimes I think I'm only happy when I'm unhappy. I can acknowledge the joys my heart absorbs in giving, in traveling or in small accomplishments but so many times only after they are buried in a large pile of calendar pages. I know the things that make me happy and I feel like I have the ability to reach for them. Has my heart become such a sieve that I simply let them slip away in a melancholy haze?

This is not a white flag.

But the water looked so black and deep, that he closed his eyes and he went to sleep // 'till the next day

Feeling like you have gently gone off the rails over the course of 3 years is scary the day you realize it. The only way my mind can contemplate how to return towards the light I've somehow drifted away from is to take inventory of my fears.

-Grinding through so many mentally/emotionally straining days at the pharmacy on two meals a day makes me feel as though I am slowly slipping into a light fog where my words haze into a overly poetic, avant garde nonsense. If you told me a phone number, whether by a overanxious lack of self-confidence or pure forgetfulness, I'm afraid that I couldn't repeat it back to you. I would be a liar if I didn't say the smallest fraction of me writes here in case I might someday need it to remember.

-I am so content to sleep and sleep and sleep. The more I stare at my dreams, the more I wonder if I might ever have the dedication to step out and try to create some of them here.

-In the deepest grooves of my heart, am I forever chained to dejection, surrender and the worse case scenario? Has my tendency to extinguish the faintest spark of a relationship become irreversible instinct?

I need a reset that only my heart and mind can together provide.