And there's nothing she doesn't see // She knows where I'd like to be // But it doesn't matter

A little while ago, angry for a moment at my disillusionment with "gender roles in relationships" (see: here), someone asked me to make a list of all the things that I would want a woman to do for me. Like the female version of "throw his coat over a puddle, take me out on our anniversary, propose etc" I'm on like day 5 of thinking about this list in my head. I don't have a single one.

I mean I thought of like one or two after a while, but it was like the ends not justifying the means. Like it would be nice to get a call very late/early out of nowhere, it would make me feel needed, but only for a terrible moment before feeling guilty for wishing for some sort of trouble to fall upon someone so that they might call. Another one was maybe having someone hold me and stare into my eyes and say "I love you." and mean it. But now I think about that and it seems kind of desperate, like I somehow don't believe in myself being worth another woman's time and that there was some sort of grave mistake she was making by standing beside me.

So I don't have any. I was afraid that it might be some sort of inner resignation at work, but I am more hopeful that it might be closer to a first step in totally dissolving my concerns over 'relationship roles' and just letting it all off. I mean really why waste any time on 'this isn't fair' all day, I mean I'm only going to be alive for what...another 50 years or so maybe? Not enough time to worry about it, I don't even have time to think of those I love! I'm just gonna put my eyes back into the stars and keep trying to find her. And if I end up having to ask for her phone number and not the other way around, I think I'll live.

(btw PBS is running 'No Direction Home', which is Martin Scorsese's doc. on Bob Dylan and it is just great. I've been up the last two night watching it. What a true journeyman and storyteller. And then they interview Scorsese about it all which is cool even though of all his celebrated films I think I've seen maybe 2. Then again I do have his stern/so true 5 min 'Why widescreen is the only way to go': showing perfectly how without widescreen you literally lose the picture: an all too predictable example. Har har.)