(Don't you ever) Tell me love isn't true // It's just something that we do

"aspects of life can make you feel like a pencil sharpened too often in a pencil sharpener."

So I answered to a mock myspace-esque (facebook won't let me in, "University students only") survey I placed into the email of a friend. I sit here in my pajamas re-thinking the original context of that answer to the bright turquoise question 'why has/hasn't your major changed', it is worryingly copying and pasting itself as a motto for many other directions my life is winding through.

Politics: I was very bright eyed and fascinated with politics once. Theodore Roosevelt, whom after being shot just below the heart during a campaign stop in Milwaukee, was only able to deliver a fiery one hour speech before seeking medical attention. Nixon/JFK and how history viewed one greater and the court of popular opinion the other. The old gent I met during Isaacs' successful Precinct Delegate run, who recalled campaigning for Hoover in Boston amid showers of eggs and rocks. Then the last two Presidential elections happened, the trenches were dug, anyone in the middle got cut down by the "with us or against us" hatred. Two times over I've watched my friends do anything they can to blast each other to the ground in some sort of fucking "I'm a better person than you" contest. I still think it is beyond important to vote, that is a right that is a/the cornerstone to our/any free society, something that many have given their lives to preserve. My salvation from it all are the issues; an influenced (but non self-serving), informed (but unbiased) and open-minded (not written in stone) opinion.

love: so I say that feeling love (with the lowercase " l ", I can't speak for (mutual) capital "L") is like a fantastical, magic adventure; like watching fireworks under the ocean or dancing in the stars. It's not that I believe that when you meet someone you will fly on a magic carpet out of your window or something, it's just that I have felt that way before, like I seriously found my way to the end of the rainbow and she was standing there grinning. The more I talk to others who have actually been in relationships, the more it seems like a "last person left standing" battle. Like the only goal of a relationship is to find that place within someone, that sensitive, pure and innocent place, and destroy it with sex and jealousy and fear and games so that that person won't leave you heartbroken & that if the relationship ends, then it will be because you sent them to the curb. It seems backwards, almost like "I'll do all these things to prevent myself from getting hurt" by doing things so as to make a relationship almost impossible.

I mean what is the point if the only way is to pretend like you don't care about someone, almost to the point of driving them into submission as part of some mad game, complete with rules apparently left around from the days of separate beds and boys don't cry. Occasionally I wonder if I hang on to what I believe in because it is what's in my heart or because I'm afraid I'm bound to some Freudian destiny to become my Father.

Life in general: Outside these sort of metaphysical paranoias, I am becoming concerned with their effects with my body and mind in objective terms. I'm too much of a coward to say "no" when it comes to picking up shifts at work, which has created this 'workaholic' habit of pushing myself to pointless limits. I've eaten 2 meals a day for the last 2 years I bet. I have to leave the shampoo bottle and face soap bottles open before I use them because if I don't, I forget if I already used one, the other or both during the course of a 10 minute shower. I'm getting worse at my job rather than better. I have to drag myself kicking and screaming every time school is involved. Shouldn't I be interested in what I'm doing academically at some point? Nobody wants to hear this, women, nobody. I don't want to say them. I don't enjoy comparing scars. Do I?