Only kisses on the cheek from now on // and in a little while we'll only have to wave

The secret is letting go.

Flying down her street as fast as my excited heart could drive me there. Suddenly I passed her car! I hoped this wouldn't happen again. I hoped that my surprise wouldn't tread the same path to hell that was paved with such good intentions the time before. Just this simple gift on the most hallmark of hallmark holidays. Her smile. Her laugh. Her touch. All the things I knew and longed for. Spinning the wheel round again and taking deep breaths just as the first time the words and smiles first came those years ago. Deep breaths until there she was. Deep breaths and suddenly no breath at all.

Almost tiptoed up to her, gently approaching. Presenting her "a shameless gift, but any excuse to give and to steal a smile I gladly take every time". And she smiled. But not that smile. Not the only smile I've ever known or only ever wanted.

The smile that leads to the pause that leads to the end.

You could feel the wrecking ball drawing back until reaching its peek and releasing.

I told her she could say it as directly as she wished and not to ever worry. That it is not her fault and I will never be angry with her.

I know this speech like I know my street address. No less genuine in changing the names but no less wounding.

I told her that I gave to her not only because I was afraid to give her the words that might otherwise lead us to where we now stood, but also because I was in love with her and that if I could do anything that I thought would bring her even an ounce of joy that I would walk through any fire to do it. I tried to keep our window open just slightly, "I hope that down the line, we can still talk and still do things together in some way. You are someone I would be so very happy to have in my life no matter what level our relationship". She extended her arms, offering "a last hug". She may as well have used her extended arms to close it.

I am haunted, denied sleep looking into her eyes then. Feeling those memories that didn't yet exist, the travels, the dancing, the secret moments hidden deep within our hearts, scratched like photographs with a razorblade. I just don't know what to do.

The textbooks are being read. The hours put in at work. Weekends and holidays with friends and family. When I can stare at these people and believe that they care for me and that we are all in the same raft, sailing these rapids together, I can keep moving. When I'm closed away I feel like my body is on auto-pilot. My soul, my secret places I dreamed of sharing with her are all evaporating.

I bought a plane ticket to someplace she has spoken of many times. A place that when the words floated from her smiling lips to piece it together, the puzzle gave me the image of heaven. If I can climb through the academia and survive the hours I am working and the hours I am not sleeping I will go there.

We hugged and I walked away.