I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream

Wow what an irresponsible/cliché thing to have done. And as hard as it is to abide to the first rule of 'blog club' (never delete an entry after the fact), looking now it feels like I caught the essence of my feelings at that moment very well. And without the 700 or so words that I usually smother it with.

I'll add some garments of details: since meeting this lady who worked at Walgreens for summer cash and being casual friends througout, we've talked online at good length and depth the last month or so. She goes to Western Michigan University now. I'd actually accidentally mentioned that I would be passing Western by on my trip to Chicago just minutes before embarking, joking to her that I'd "wave to her" as I went past, to which she insisted I visit, going so far as to give me her phone number with nary a badgering. This fell through, but weeks later (and days ago) I casually mentioned a possible trip out there and the possibility of a lunch meeting on Friday to a kind reaction.

Friday comes and we talk, I mention it again and she agrees, casually adding "but I have to take my boyfriend someplace at 5:15". So after I pick myself up off the floor I respond in stride "sounds fine, I'm out the door in 10 min" to which she replies "sounds good, give me a call when you get here".

So I put air in my tires and top off my tank with an extra $5 and I go out there. I just go. I mean what else could I do? I'm devoted, and anything less than keeping my word shows her that I'm scared off easily and that I can't commit, even if I only see her for a fleeting moment. And besides, I wasn't riding in on a white horse (white car actually) expecting to drive a wedge into anything, I really just wanted to see her. I'd had inklings of the boyfriend being a fictional character anyway, but no good would come from that route of thought either way.

So I get there at about 5:30, and I decide to wait until near 6:00 before giving her a ring to allow enough time to go past. And I do but I get her voice mail. I say "hey I'm in town, give me a call if you still want to do something, maybe grab a bite." I walk to the neighboring video store/coffee shop to pass the time. Minutes melt away and it is 7:00 with no call. I pack up and head home. I get lost on the way. I find my path. I make it to Rajala's house with the gang, get completely sauced and stumble to the laptop.

That brings everything to now, but everything after now is, as always, the mystery. I don't know what I'll say when I talk to her again. Maybe she put something on my away message over the night, my power went out at home and I missed everything/anything from that frame of time. I don't know. I think what makes me angry is just being tired of 'not knowing'. I just wish for once I could understand something and 'know' where to go and what to do and what to say. I feel like I have the desire and passion to construct something special but just not the tools. We keep trying.