Tonight, the moon's drawn its curtains // It's a Private show // No one else gonna know // I'm wanting

I'm telling the truth. It is like one of those things where music (even of the more "disposable" persuasion) and you and her and the release just melt together. Just the lights and the freedom and the touch and the smiles... and you just let it all fall to/on the floor, cut through all the fucking chains. And it is amazing what things fly about, the friends and all the passion and flames that are lit and that burn out, suddenly it's 2:00 Am and you are about an hour away from realizing that your body cashed in its chips 3 hours ago. You know what I mean.

Lately (I use "lately" pretty loosely, maybe the year 2005 entire) I've been in this place where it really seems the/my key(s) don't fit in the doors. Instead of holding on tight and racing through the flame I hide under my bed and brush everything under the rug while I'm down there. Doing just enough to fail with honor. Standing on the ship until it has disappeared into the deep blue, though a noble feat many times, it is made ignoble when the life preserver is at arms reach. I need to reach out to them more often instead of pushing them away from "the destined meltdown" aka stop behaving like a fucking asshole and going cold and numb because of it.

It really felt like the 'bell jar' crashed apart last night; a realization that I'd accidentally been holding my breath for a year, maybe longer. I'm stepping out of this "road to hell is paved with good intentions" garbage and start thinking outside of my own mind/heart like I should. I donate a lot, but not enough. I gave a $20 bill towards hurricane relief, but I have been far too blessed to have that single bill appease my conscious. Just like that Cousteau quote scribbled in the library book from 'Rushmore', "When one man, for whatever reason, has the opportunity to lead an extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself." And that is exactly what you and I have in common right off. I just need to try. Go in like I believe in myself for a change and just go for it. Carpe Diem you know. Because now I know how all the pain of small failures melt away under the night lights and a smile returned.