Look at me // Who am I supposed to be?

You know that feeling you get when you pick up a book you have left for a time and you find yourself unfamiliar with the characters and plot? Like I am trying to make sense of things that I swear I used to understand and again find purpose. Lately I feel frail about the direction(s) my life is taking. It seems like the more clear and paved out things sometimes become, the darker the journey gets. Like I set up this island unto myself and place these psychological electrified fences all around (hmmm...), bumping against one or the other at every moment. It feels like I am stuck in this huge Catch-22 in my mind right now where (thought I have many small passions, which are usually unnoticed) I feel like no one would dare put themselves into a relationship with me because I don't have a one great passion driving me (like a job or great talent). But I do have one great passion, and that passion is Love.

I've become much too skillful at drilling holes into myself, another favourite electrified fence of mine. It's like I cannot keep a balance, I'm either emotionally draining myself out randomly and keeping nothing sacred within or I'm a complete recluse. 100 mph or in R. Like I don't know the rules. I see things that I feel will make the people I care about happy all around me, but sometimes when I give them, I create the opposite effect. I don't ask anything in return, I enjoy doing things in the key of how my friends make me feel each day. I don't value money the same as some, I carry this fortune in my wallet as sort of the english of what my heart feels:

Most days when I feel my proverbial flashlight has gone out in the wilderness, I turn to those things and places that give me strength and safety. Today I went to the Dixieland Flea Market (I bought 2 Joni Mitchell records for me and $1 gifts for the fellas), I went to Meijer and walked around in the produce areas and at night I went to see Star Wars for the last time, I decided, in the cinema. I felt better, but that also was a challenge to keep in balance. The best way I can say it is at Meijer today, walking through the "miles of aisles" (Joni Mitchell live album pun... heh) I came to the picture frame section. I like that aisle. All these gorgeous frames, my favourite was this dazzling 6 picture miniature frame. I wanted to get it but then it struck me as to how it would sit in my room, empty. I wish I had that person to share these places with, and to accompany them in their special places. To help fill in my holes, and to fill in theirs. To fill a picture frame.