I really don't know how to approach any of this. I don't know how to dress it up here with paragraphs and perfectly connected thoughts. I really need to say it someplace before I go numb, but I don't ever want to betray the magic around her. A few friends that met her through my stories tried to comfort me by bringing her down and I stopped that right away. Because I still feel the same way that I have since I've known her. And I still feel like the same jerk tugging on the cloak of an angel "umm... excuse me, but I love you." And please don't think I'm mad at her or that she is like baiting me and teasing me that is not true. It's like the opposite, because it's like I've ruined it to where she will (justifiably) think twice before doing anything that could in any way be seen as having the same feelings, and also the other way around, so that any good deed I do for her will have the noose of my love dragging along with it, even though she says she knows I never did anything for her with any hidden expectation of something in return, tangible or otherwise. I'm always excited to give to her. Sharing music, making things for her, going to fantastical places. Like today. We went to this place called Meadowbrook, this unbelievably beautiful garden/forest/cottage haven from everything that could ever be bad. The flowers there were wonderful there were too many for one person like me to absorb or describe fairly. Like this song here that I first heard today, every listen finding more hidden delights and making me more anxious to learn more. Like her. She's the only woman who has stood up to every dumb thing about me and has always believed in me. I can't explain how that makes me feel. Misty (Higgins' girlfriend) saw me sad tonight and told me she was sorry and gave me a hug and my eyes wattered up thinking that that's the closest I've ever been to being wanted by a woman. I wish I was normal. I feel so bad where everybody around me is so happy and then they look over to me. I'm always very happy to see them happy and to succeed, I just feel like that Shawshank quote: "I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free." that I can only be happy when I'm not thinking of the mess that no one wants to clean up that is me. I saw 'Hotel Rwanda' a few nights ago and I couldn't listen to music the rest of the day because it all sounded like self-pity, it really made me feel ashamed to be indifferent about anything at all and for thinking of myself ever at all. Maybe that will be a direction, I hope so. We shook hands after it all tonight, I put in Radiohead for the last 10 min of driving her back which was wrong of me, I hope she didn't get any idea that I was mad at her or anything close to that, it was just like me getting a start on what I thought was going to be what happened before but afterwards I put in this band here and hopefully things will be different from then. She said something when she got out that if I hadn't already been thinking and feeling the way I did, would've been the meanest thing she's ever said to me I think it came out somewhat wrong though. I really hope we can be friends again like before. If I lost her friendship I don't know. I'm going to finish the last root beer I got from what seems like another time and try to escape all the memories that don't exist and sleep and rise one day at a time.