I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find

I'm so tired of feeling sorry for myself!! I wish that I could meet someone special and have a relationship. I know that everyone deep down wants someone to care for and someone to care for them, and I am def. no different. That's the only thing that I really want for myself out of this life. I see other people in relationships that couldn't care less at all, they even look around at other women when they are in them. Is that how it is supposed to be? That you date someone, and brag about sex with her to all the guys? And I've seen sex destroy so much, yet it seems like the only way to have a woman at this stage of my life is to "give it up" which I have nothing against for others, I just feel differently (as usual) about it. Like how I think of "saving myself, not exactly until marriage though" is like saying 2 months into a relationship "I love you, but I'm not going to ask you to marry me right?". Well "holding out" has been easy since I haven't had a sig. other really ever. Everyone says "You need to be more confident, be the man, have swagger! etc." but I just can't fake all that well enough because truth is I am very shy and very insecure and with a special woman near, it is multiplied by 100 it feels like. And then I beat myself up about it, like I feel that I'm nowhere near special enough for her and I try to push that person as far away from me as I can and just pray that they will find someone better than me. It's so hard. Are my expectations for love too high? I don't think so because I've felt these special moments I'm always talking about before, and they were more beautiful than I had ever dreamed they would be. That's how I see it. These special moments where you both realize "it" at that moment, not just "let's go to dinner and a movie and the backseat of my car". I just feel like quitting it all so badly. It's a daily fight now with my head to not just give up and try to get the first girl I see and sex it up...it seriously feels like I'm standing in this large, sealed, clear container where you can see everything that goes on and not be able to stop it and then having it slowly fill with a little more water day by day. But I know that she is out there in this big scary world and is battling the same garbage as me. I can't give up on her, I have to hold on. It just seems so far away from me sometimes.